Tonight, my soul shall dance with the fading hymn of devotion for you. I shall rest my heart from the trouble of desolation and rejection. Maybe soon, when this gash of space is occupied I shall once again dance the hymn of love. Yes, all this is predestined to happen and I accept with open arms the corollary of my verdict. I shall NOT run after the seventh heaven. I am tired of this quest for LOVE. Along the concourse of my broken imaginings, the road shall drenched of acidic anxiety. The night has come and so my soul shan't sing any more songs of bliss. Shan't cry for aid to the anonymous. Shan't hope to saved. Amidst all that I have considered, I look out to the blankness of the long journey ahead of me. Dark, dark clouds cloud my vision and I am in anticipation of what lies across the darkness. The world around me is splitting into two. Divisions of good reminiscence and euphoric memoirs. I have burned mine long ago. There is no sense of brooding over the unfamilliar. I have given up the resolution of fidelity; I have isolated my whole from your science. This segment might just be astranger passing by or it maybe my soul waking me to veracity. And if all stages will surely close, let the rain fall down and burn me breathing.
I walk the distance away from you. I embrace myself from all these insecurities. This feeling of negative response is causing my eyes to wet with tears. I choke on their deafening screeches of nuisance day after day. I hold back my tears. I stop myself from crying my blemishes to their raging faces. Everyone trying to pull my distinction down. How can I find myself the strength to fight back? when I have lost all else the will to survive. I stare at my hands, wounds bleeding. blood wont stop. I shrieked my silent pain to the world. Look at me now, see me beyond the facade of a beautiful face. See the scratches of questions etched on every line of my pelt. See the emptiness that continously cloud my soul. I kneel down, my knees weak. my heart tired. I am shaking from the aches of melancholic philosophies. Nobody sees. Every inscription of words, every trickery of this game I play, every guesswork is a step towards my true identity. Who amongst these crowd faces shall buy time to aid my miserable whole? I shiver from all the pains of wrong parody. I cover my ears. I hear nothing. Nothing. This time I cry my eyes out with blood. Endless grieving over my entireness. I cannot take this throbbing anymore. I see a knife. And I taste my own blood. I close my eyes in deep slumber.
She disturbs my every sleep with her opaque mantra.
I wake up in the middle of my slumber sweaty from her garrote.
My whole body quivers from the conviction that she would not desert me as easily.
Everything in me cries for serenity to befall on my psyche.
I cannot stand this peril, i cannot let her win this combat of remorse.
She is a mischievious sprite in search of her next prey.
Souls weak from the acrimony of love, she devours each one of them alive.
Until hope is gone and everything else turns to dark;
Psyches trapped in madness, lost amongst the vastness of black.
She, the depraved witch of the east has come to battle with my being.
I am neither full nor packed with enough vigor to win this struggle.
The crows with their shrieking say-so sang the song of defeat,
I needed your love. i searched for it inside me but i found it nonexistent.
My pysche cannot live without your science. how can i now resist death?
You've left me unarmored. you stripped me of my magnitude.
She laughed her demonic wee. gleeful over her tenure of yet another soul.
A soul emaciated from dull pledges. my psyche sang her last straw of ache.
her diamonds started to flow like that of a lost river with no destination. she bathe herself with black water from the depths of hell. wounds sprang from her pelt and she moaned like that of woman in deep ecstasy with a lover. her nakedness showed the bruises of her uncertanties. she refuses to be aided. she solely awaits her devotee's return. her lesions grow worst everyday yet she feels no worry of the pain. she sat frozen on top of thorny rose bushes, her skin reaping with her every motion. the body of this woman seemed to have died long ago but her soul continued to live and so the carcass continued to breathe. every ache is no longer a stinging sore but a pleasurable feeling of living in sweet bitter ecstasy of hope. eyes buoyant and blissfully at ease with her entireness. the public who sees her is overwhelmed with complex emotions; for such a brave soul to endure endless death everyday. they give her clemency to stop this foolish act; she bade their pities goodbye. idiotic people wont ever comprehend her raison d'être; for what she feels is love. and everyday she will die for love. until her body becomes numb from despair and she will only feel the heavenly bliss of love. and she waits. and waits..day after day.
i came across this situate and i saw loads of metaphors from the precedent. i honestly dont know to retort from all those ostentatious snaps of happy recollections. yes, i am in the position to feel uneasy about such publicity but then again i find myself deeply astounded that this individual had not thought of completely ripping this other personality out of her verve. or maybe i should not have surveyed the immensity of this online periodical blues. is it my fault to feel anxious over the circumstance? or maybe this is just mad obsession in reality of zero? how can covetousness be so controlling? i can almost taste it's bitter sensation over my entireness. my mind is peripatetic about so many things that i just wanna silence all that surrounds me so that i can be unaided. i have lugged so many sighs over hearing gears of sins about this witch and i dont really wanna perceive her face too. it's just too much for me to consume. do i have to say aloud one's every budge so i wouldnt feel this upsetting sentiment? i feel like im walking on scorching burning coal. my eyes blindfolded from the paining exposé of rage; my feet dancing with the optimism of consoling my senses after the burning agony of too much devotion. i find everything so anomalous that with all these views I have hypothetically theorized, i am still going to end up wallowing my nothingness in this situation.
Oh, how can the heart be so cruel? how can it be so naive about so many things yet so rational about everything. im masking in this pool of reservations. Oh, how i wish everything would just end as quickly as it had started.
No commotions of melancholic narratives of unheard explanations.
Now, how the fuck is that possible? (--__--)
i heard the wind softly singing it's dying song.
to all the lovers in desolation, hear the wind whisper herself to you.
what seems promising is a citation of mendacity.
when all else fails, it's time to end the dance of hope.
possibility is not a question, it's a curse to continue deeming the impossible.
love is a drug of despondency. it continues to kill the promises of bliss.
to end it all and to surrender to it's supremacy, is suicide.
the chilling sensation of the ache of daily disappointments;
are maybe signs of condemnation to end the affair of endless queries.
the wind knows, because her destination is everywhere.
she has longed seen wreck pledges of love and lovers dying from it.
she has long hated love in all it's outward appearance.
it represents itself in great opulence hiding it's mask of abhorrence.
and silly people, they fall for it everytime love dances with them.
i heard the wind cry in the distant plains.
buried in her emotions, she sang the saddest song of the night.
even the creatures of the dark felt her sorrow eternally tattoed on their skin.
the deafening stillness brought tears to every living mortal;
who has heard her cry of aid for all those in love.
let the night fall upon us. let her song be a depiction of melancholic love.
i heard the wind. and i cried myself with her paroxysm.
i am mad with antagonism. i dont wanna think. i dont wanna listen. im hearing nothing but erroneous interpretations.i cannot recognize the source of this squabble.
you are being insensate to my desires. how can you not read my words in between the spaces of the lines. im tired of playing this speculation game. our thoughts can never seem to reach each other's harmony. night and day, our conversations are filled with dreams and emotions yet every after end of the sentence our philosophies would collide. and then i'd say ruthless words and you throw them back at me with sly obscure punctures. your a tricky raconteur. you turn the table to your advantage. i am left at loss, confuse by my own judgement. you make me think twice. you make me think deep. until i feel like my brain is about to admit defeat. when there's no sense of really being in this circumstance, we choose to heat up the conflict until the flame refuses to be tamed and we end up in a dull silence; lost in our own madness because we are two different beings insanely in love.
you make my head spin with nausea.
thoughts of you seize me from veracity.
i feel like im floating in nirvana.
you make my soul dance in sweet ecstacy.
im like a kid running across the fields.
the sun and the vast blue my friends.
im flying from the sensation of idiocy.
in love. silly. daydreaming.
im turning, jumping and skipping in unknown pace.
picking wildflowers along the way.
im singing tunes, i once heard my mother sing.
when she too was young and in love like me.
im counting the days until the numbness subsides.
i feel so blissful with no apparent reason why.
my smile seems to grow wider by every passing minute,
the entirety of me is dancing in slow melody.
i always thought that life was this little ball in my hand, that i can choose whatever it is that i wanna do with it. i guess not. life is much much convulated than a mere ball in a child's hand. in fact, life is a vast of outlooks clashing one another. tribulations to be resolved and a lot silly fancy meetings. (insert love along the way.) i am a bitter soul when it comes to love. i hate love in so many ways that i dont know where to start condemning it. love has made me into a two-faced monster of odium and charm. in my past affairs, some went well and some did not. it's sad to have loved and not be loved in return; but then isnt love supposed to be unselfish? not asking anything in return? love aint seeking for fairness; because love itself isnt fair. it's ironic, really. to fall so deeply into such a lame hex and yet we end up entangled by our own curse. none can predict the triumph of any relationship but we do have our options.
and so, my affair seems to obscure every passing day; someone taught me optimism. hell yeah. i see everything in black and white now. and im trying very hard to see the shades of grey in between and if cant find it -- of what use is this dedication to continue. yes. i am fearful, very fearful of pain and if this is a mistake, let this be my blunder to feel sorry for myself. save my soul from false hopes and idiotic beliefs. if have to live this time alone, then much better! maybe i am seeking too much. maybe it is my liability but then again mr. horror is slowly eating my burning essense. it's not wrong to save myself from the lengthening damage. right?
sigh. so much for inscriptions. so much for happy thoughts, i tried so hard to write in the first few lines of these annotations. such a fickle-minded writer. all of sudden i feel the wretchedness in me again.
maybe, im not suppose to make a beautiful love story. maybe im suppose to live my being in a lonesome cage or some secret garden until some foolish traveller would stumble upon the key to open the gate and set my distrustful soul free. and then that silly traveller would hold my hand and dance with me amongst the weeds and thorns and together we'll rebuild that place into something it once had been. a magical place. and please. (no inserts of love along the way.)
HAPPY ENDINGS? SAPPY LOVE STORIES - NOT FOR ME.
i feel so frozen. the chilling sensation is running up and down my spine. i feel like humanity is eating me alive. my apprehension is winning over me. not the usual case, if you'd ask me. ive always considered myself as a warrior rather than the damsel in distress. though many times i am guilty of such pretense, i have always been a strong princess. in fact, my stubbornness have always seemed to rescue me from every nuisance i get myself into. and it's crazy! because such a young lass shouldnt be this pompous. oh my! what am i blabbing about? i couldnt even get myself into inscripting something with a definite point of view. im writing with no known subject. such a waste of expressions when it could have something more definite. more animated. lexis with lessons or thoughts of aptitude from the writer. and maybe there's a need for me to resign from writing.
i heard loud music blasting from the radio speakers;
the room seemed to swivel from whirls of blue and red.
i felt the rhythm slowly possessing my entire being
another lost soul inside me dancing with the demonic ecstacy.
the room gets crazy; i hear people moan and shout from sin.
everything gets a lil bit sexy, everyone dying from intoxication.
i see eyes from across the corner of the room,
dark strange eyes, eyeing my every move. my every stir.
i felt his magic utterly on me. controlling and pleasing.
his eyes seemed to talk right through me from across the dark room.
my eyes half open, i answered back his desires with a smile.
i welcomed his possession with no qualms or reservations.
he became my existence. i became his psychosis.
what unfolds after will soon be written.
demonic insanity to fall for such a lies.
uncertainty of life paints it all.
doubts and fears from past encounters,
shields the truth of the mystery it tries to cover.
in this world of fake relationships,
no words can portray the honesty of beauty.
the ugliness of mendacity is everywhere.
all of us, lost souls trying to fight the claws of self-importance.
i wanna go home. i miss cebu. i miss the cebuanos friendly smile. i miss the warmth of my mom's embrace. i miss my sister's funny face. i miss my silly/scary daddy. i miss my brother's stubborn mood swings. i miss driving my siblings home. i miss running around doing errands for my parents. i miss being called princess by my mom and dad every morning. i miss my everyday foodtrips to pungko2x in cebu. i miss going to starbucks in ayala alone. i miss my bed. i miss my books. i miss my house. i miss my car. i miss my computer. i miss fooling around with my sisters. i miss eating lechon. i miss eating pritong isda with suka. i miss larshans in cebu. i miss cooking pasta for my whole family. i miss being part of someone else's life. i miss being taken care of. i miss not feeling lonely. i miss the happy dame back in cebu. i dont want this sad, lonely yet career oriented dame. i miss the child in me. i miss the laugh trips with my highschool friends. i miss being somebody. =(
i guess. when your single, school and career life is a piece of cake. but your love life sucks deep in the bottom.
i stare at you from across the distance
wondering, wishing for that day
when our eyes would meet
and in your soft browns
you'd see, just how you are truly meant for me.
(parang text quote!wtf?!)
crush. infatuation. God knows.
I fell for your smile and your inexplicable ways.
I cant describe the sudden thrill that came to my essence.
when our bodies moved; lost in the sensation of imprudence.
loud music. a crowded place. people intoxicated from too much alcohol.
yeah, i know. you are just another stranger I dance with for the night.
comes in the bright daylight and half of the faces I met i cant vaguely remember.
not so much for names either. i thought of the nights events.
crazy, but your apparition is evidently on my head.
you are the stature of what may get me fanatical.
well, like any person walking by; you wouldnt be my sympathy.
I laugh from all the bits and pieces. till the next party swings again.
why am I giving myself such a hard time on you?
I wanna live my life free from the repulsion of your masked face.
to forget the way your eyes look everytime we kissed.
why did I ever met you? why did I ever let myself be burned by you?
you are horror. you are pain. you are a living curse.
I pray every night from him up above to free me from this madness.
all those words spoken, like a drug bit by bit poisoning my living spirit.
you amuse yourself from our wails and pleads.
have you gone deaf? do you not hear my entireness slowly dying?
where now are your pledges of love to me? lines. just adept lines.
every step I take is another mistake to you. yet I let myself fall.
now that Im falling apart to whom shall I cry for help?
I've become so numb. so much hatred burning inside me.
tired from all these empty hopes. tired from being deceived.
can you not see how you've made me weak?
I've end up in a web of broken imaginings. claws that wont let me go.
no more cries for someone to save me. my fault. my fault.
let everything fade away in the dark. let everything be reminiscence.
I am no one to you. You were someone for me. Now, you are nothing to me.
love is despicably addictive. pain overly gratifying.
every second is perpetual. the needle wicked.
the memory of past loves, the tears of failed relationships
like a tattoo, it lives forever.
it burns. sometimes it stings. people are masochists.
love is the needle of endless pain and suffering.
yet no matter what we say about love;
like a cycle we enjoy every minute of it.
we bleed. we learn. we move on. then here we go again.
like a tattoo, those scars remain. but they are beautifully crafted.
why?
becasue we learn from them. we are never broken.
and the lines and swirls are just memories.
of what used to be - a beautiful love story.
they. them. we will always have them. tattooed forever in our hearts.
no matter how many times I bleed the sentiment is pleasing.
to have loved and been loved (or at least I thought so) is happiness.
my soul free from the horrors of pain. i did everything. it just didnt work out.
now I am like a bird flying the vast blue without any restraint.
the sun shining brightly, it's warmth promising. I smile. I soar.
I cant waste time anymore. no more silly games to play.
no more lies to live by. no more secrets to hide.
If love was meant for us, It would have worked.
(or maybe for your it was never love?)
I never regretted you. I breathed those days like that of an innocent child.
my journey is long. my direction unsure. wherever the wind takes me, I'll be there.
I'll be gliding over the greens and the blues. over the citylights and over the world.
tonight, im painting the sky. dried tears, little diamonds in the night.
other people will look up to it but they will never know it's mine.
because i am not just one but i am many. stars glow because they are hope.
lovers part. some came close. most dream of the good times they never knew.
tonight, i will be thinking in silence. my time has yet to come until then..
ill be painting the sky every night. the feeling of solitude slowly deserting.
and if i seem to tire from my brushes and paint, i would dance underneath the heavens.
i will be dancing with the world in a concert of broken hearts and hopeful souls.
ive been searching for that one soul to ignite my sinister life.everywhere i look is a mass of broken personas tormented because of love.i wanna escape this drowning sensation of hopelessness.escape this mob of endless waiting, of endless hoping. i wanna feel alive again. feel that tingling sensation of magic inside me.feel gradually happy everyday because this one soul is there to bore life with me.ive been wishing on rainbows far too long. i have lost track of time.here i am just suddenly awake with nothing but empty notes on hand.all i ever wanted is to find my back into you. you, who completes me.whoever you are. i know you are out there.and someday, i will find you. or maybe you will find me.
theres just got to be one lost soul out there for me.
you came. we met. you left.
it's ironic to fall in love in a second. i have always been a firm believer of love at first sight. but for some reason, it failed me this time. and i have to admit. this time it hit me big. i cant vaguely explain what happened. it's more like a one whole day fairytale. i fell in love. i met the wrong prince.
i just had to write these annotations about you.
the firmament had it's usual shade of gray. the wind playing in the vast.
it was a cold forlorn night. your eyes bore that of an endless enigma.
your guise drew me like a magnet. i had not see the affectation of your charm.
i skipped and hummed with the sensation. felt like a modern day fairytale.
and just like any mythical story, it offered a taste of love and excitement.
like an innocent lass, i danced with you. i held your hand. i fell in love.
the clock strucked 12, you had to go. i turned to see the direction where, you were gone.
the vastness around me became intoxicating. i heard too many cries.
i saw too many faces. masked, monstrous. the dance ended. the ballroom was left empty.
my gown shattered to pieces. my face blemish with tears. my heart left cold.
the wind sang a sad song. no more orchestra playing the music. fairytale ended.
my heart broken into pieces.
i sit under a big oak tree and i watch the birds fly across the sky.
the green grass never felt so consoling. the summer breeze loving.
i felt my heart in between my fingers. and i felt it beat rapidly.
i smiled like that of a silly child and then father sun said.
"my child you are in love."
as the sun rises in the east, i smile as another day unfolds.
i open the curtains and the morning light hits my face.
breathing in and out, i can feel the day's energy creeping in.
i love sunny days. it makes me feel excited and happy.
i said my morning prayers in a quick murmur.
long day ahead of me. i took a quick shower and got dressed.
somewhere in between the piles of unwashed laundry,
i came upon a lovely photograph. two people smiling, holding hands.
like a flash of lightning, my sunny day became gloomy.
i dropped to my knees to pick up the broken frame.
it's been a month since he left. and until now, his memory lingers everywhere.
he seems to pop up in the most unexpected time and unexpected places. this annoys me.
minutes ago, i felt like the whole world was in my hands.
that i was capable of doing the impossible.
then he came to cloud the sunny day ahead of me.
he shadows me everywhere i go. he makes my life a living nightmare.
i have asked myself a dozen of times, who gave him such power over me?
such power to manipulate everything in my life. to make my world his.
but of course, this dates back. back to the first time he laid his eyes on me.
and then my soul decided to surrender; to surrender to this total stranger with brown eyes.
im thinking to much i said. i needed time to clear my head out. i decided to take a walk.
streets by now were jam-packed with people. some walking. some running.
everybody in motion. i, on the otherhand am stuck in a reverie of you. i lit my cigarette.
i felt the nicotine in my lungs. i started walking with no known destination.
again, you intrude my privacy. your smile clearly stapled in my memory
i tried get you out of my system. but with no success each time i try.
so i succumb to my thoughts of you. i let you linger there as long as you want.
not that i venerate your presence, but because you left me with no choice.
i love you yet your reminiscence disturbs me. why?
this time, i heard less of the automobile engines roaring.
i was too caught up wiht my thoughts that i hadnt realize i was already nearing the lake.
ahh. the sweet summer breeze soothes the tension of my soul.
yes. it feels good to be alive. to be loved by you. but why do i dread of you haunting me?
i speak of you in detailed disgust, yet i claim you to be the love of my life? here's why.
along the feeling of great happiness you bring to me comes the despicable feeling of pain.
pain of you being so faraway for me to touch and hold. pain of your missing presence.
every now and then, i comfort myself. i party. i drink. i get drunk.
i content myself wiht your everyday calls and our constant emailing.
the money you send me, are all splurged on a woman's luxury.
with this i comfort myself of material things and temporary happiness.
i try to escape from these feelings. but i cant. it's love.
pure and genuine. unselfish and accepting. you and me, we cant always be together.
and yes i wait. day and night for your return. i count the stars. i pray. i hope.
i think of you endlessly. i become sterile. i cry and wail for many nights. and then i sleep.
my phone rings. i see you in the caller image. i couldnt help but smile.
i said hello, and i heard your voice. i felt my soul dancing. i felt myself free.
i wish i could freeze time. i wish we could talk for all eternity. then you hang up.
you said you'd call back. i said i'd wait. just as i always did.
the sun by now was fully up in his throne. shining brightly.
it was getting hot too. i breathe in the beautiful scenery of the lake in front of me.
i felt calm. i felt like i was one with nature. the energy of love gyrating inside me.
happiness. pain. only you are capable of. my obsession. my aficionado.
i can feel the coldness of the weather inside me.
i wanna cry. i wanna weep until i have no tears left.
i am tied under this ball and chain because of this love for you.
i can feel the whip as it hit the skin on my back.
my heart bleeds. my soul cries. save me from this misery.
i am left alone in this dark chamber; no one to hear my pleas.
my words fall deaf on the executioner's ears.
my hands ache. the chain cutting deeper on my skin.
i throw up. i taste my own blood. i wailed as i was hit again mercilessly.
i see nothing ahead of me. a dim light shines in the far end corner.
my body becomes numb. i feel weightless. i feel pain all over me.
i am too tired to move. my limbs are weak. i am finally release. must i be thankful?
i could not stand nor look up. my head is too heavy.
my vision unclear. i ask myself why i had let myself be dragged like an animal.
royal blood flows in my veins; yet i allowed this people to maltreat me.
i can hear the water dripping. the rats running on the floor. heavy footsteps..
the door opens, i shield my eyes from the light and then everything went black.
half dead, i hold myslef in the coldness of this night. save me. hear me.
lady dance under the stars.
with eyes close and your body moving with grace.
dance like nymph in the wilderness.
hum a tune, sway your hips, raise your head to the heavens.
dance like everybody is watching you and you dont care.
feel their eyes in constant awe by your marvelous sight.
your a woman, beautiful and magnificent.
fragile yet dangerous.
dance like your a goddess from the mountains of olympus.
the stars trapped in your eyes. the moon beneath you.
you bit your lip. you tilt your head to the side. your hands above you.
hips swinging in loveliness. entice them thoughts of you uncovered.
lady oh lady dance for the world.
be free. be powerful. be a woman.
tease. submit. enjoy.
lady oh lady dance. dance for your existence.
STOP! absolutely stop thinking about him. your nuts. (iknow)
i wanna surrender to you this feelings of affection.
im not going to ask you not hurt me coz that wouldnt be pragmatic.
i just want you to know, that what i want from you is love. and i want all of it.
i wish i know you but i dont. keep your sentiments to yourself. yep, you've fooled this little girl.
i just hope, your not like the many. a line so often said by a dozen of women in love.
i feel like a tiny mouse talking to a big piece of cheese. hungry. haha. i am NUTS.
and if ever you feel like disappearing, tell me. im not like every other 19 year old.
i hate crying over spilled milk. and then i would just like to think of you as a piece of reminiscence that i like to think about everyday. people come and go. i wish your here to stay though. bottomline? i fell in love with you. i wish this didnt have to happened. but because it did. im bound to it. not for responsibility but for the sensation of it. toothy grin. gleaming eyes. silly dreams.
i love to savor love and it's bitterness. it just feel oh-soo-good!
pathetic. dillusional. childlish. call it whatever. for me? it's bliss. :)
my first blog.